he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think my vagina is haunted
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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