So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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