I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
