shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
