For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
