Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Terrible idea I love it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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