somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
high people should be assigned attendants
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
