im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
