oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
