and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
