Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
