thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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