he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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