nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize