so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
