Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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