Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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