My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
