Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
