I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
