happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
