Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize