I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
