You smell like stripper and shame
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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