It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
