I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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