I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
