I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize