my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
