Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize