i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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