Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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