people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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