so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
