Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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