I think I died a long time ago.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
