sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
