when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
