JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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