Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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