Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
