onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
