I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
