You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize