There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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