I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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