when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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