It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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