I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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