I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
