Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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