I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
