I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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