I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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