i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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