So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
