Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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