i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
