I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I CAN MOONWALK!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
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