i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
