I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
soo... how was my night?
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