There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I could make wine with my vomit
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
