I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
