Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
