Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
