I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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