...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
