The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
