Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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