Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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