dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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