Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
