listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
