dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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